Me

Me

I never wanted to be me.

I was never enough.

I never felt loved.

Love was something I had to fight for.

I never wanted to be where I was.

I always wanted to be somewhere else—

though I never knew where.

Just not here.

Not now.

Where did I belong?

I couldn’t answer that.

I wasn’t good enough for my mother.

I wasn’t good enough for my father.

I was treated like the wrapper on a hamburger—

used to get to the next thing,

never cared for,

thrown away but never discarded.

I became the crutch for a woman who thought only of herself.

I was the tender she used to get her way.

I wasn’t taught anything useful—

only how to be ashamed.

To work, but never receive.

To carry weight like a beast of burden.

These lessons followed me into adulthood.

My shame kept me from killing myself.

I was too ashamed to even consider it.

But maybe that wasn’t it.

Maybe suicide was never in my deck of cards.

Maybe I’d lived this life before—

chosen that route already.

Maybe I knew it wouldn’t free me,

that I would simply recycle back into this life

until I figured it out.

Nothing I learned came from a loving mentor.

It came from bleeding knuckles,

broken bones,

anger,

rage,

and sheer determination.

Damn anyone who stood in my way.

I was the master of my fate.

What I chose to do, I did.

I didn’t need anyone.

I never had.

I picked myself up every time I fell.

I was relentless.

The only emotions allowed were anger and contempt.

No one wanted me.

No one cared.

So fuck them all.

Eventually, I couldn’t outrun my demons.

So I tried to drown them with alcohol.

It worked—

until they realized what I was doing.

Then they lashed out harder,

more vicious than before.

I was torn.

How could I become who I wanted to be

using the same weapons that were killing me?

I had fought as long as I could.

I knew no other way.

I’d fought every battle.

I’d been knocked down,

beaten,

bruised,

knocked out—

and still I got back up.

Fuck you.

I will not submit.

I hated God.

I challenged Him to show Himself in human form

so I could kill Him

for what He had done to me.

I had destroyed my family.

I had destroyed my friendships.

I hated everyone.

I hated myself.

I had worked my way to the ninth circle of Dante’s Inferno,

staring the Devil in the face.

There were only two choices left:

defiance or submission.

I could no longer defy.

I had turned every rock,

fought every fight.

There was nowhere left to go.

I needed help—

though I didn’t know it then.

A hand reached down and grabbed me.

A voice spoke:

Defiance or submission.

Death or freedom.

“You don’t have to understand.

You only have to believe in something greater than yourself.

Just grasp this flimsy reed.”

Out of pure desperation, I did.

And things began to change.

Instead of free-falling into oblivion,

I felt the gentle tug

of a parachute opening.

Today—almost three years later—

after an immense amount of work,

guided by countless loving, courageous people

who cleared this path so I could walk it—

Alcoholics Anonymous.

Veterans Exploring Treatment Solutions.

Psychedelic medicines.

The Wisdom Dojo.

And my Higher Power, whom I call God.

I am at peace.

I am present.

I am loved.

I love.

My family is connected.

I get to be the person I always wanted to be.

I get to be the father I never had.

I get to be the brother I never had.

I get to be the friend I never had.

I get to create.

I get to write.

I get to give.

I get to be me.

I get to live in the present—

not the past,

not the future.

Here.

Right here.

Right now.

I get to be.

I get to be the true me.

Thank you.

The Walker

The Walker

A cascade of dazzling light ruptures the dark sky and drifts downward.
The air holds no sound.
Only the Walker’s breath breaks the silence.

The light falls like embers from a dying fire—
slipping through the trees,
settling on the forest floor
where it rests like sleeping fireflies.

This is new to the Walker.
There has never been this much light here before.
Something has changed.
He must have finally arrived.
It has been so long.

A flute startles him as he stands in awe among the drifting lights.
He turns and begins to walk toward the sound.

The flute is beautiful—full, gentle—
its melody reaching out,
slipping past defenses,
caressing the Walker’s heart.

As he draws closer, a glow appears between the tall pines:
a campfire.

The Walker stops just beyond the firelight.
A white canvas tent stands nearby.
A bearded man sits on a log beside the fire, the flute in his hands.

The Walker remains motionless in the darkness, listening.
The bearded man plays—slow and smooth.
The sound is comforting, embracing, ancient.

The music fades.
The bearded man lowers his gaze toward the fire.

Beside it lies a young boy on the forest floor, just waking.
The boy looks around, confused, disoriented,
until his eyes settle on the bearded man.

His small voice carries through the clearing.
“Who are you?”

The bearded man answers with a gentle shake of his head.

“Have you been here the whole time?” the boy asks.

The bearded man nods.

The boy’s eyes wander across the surrounding darkness—
and then stop.
They fix on the place where the Walker stands.

The Walker startles.
It is far too dark for the boy to see him.
And yet… he has been sensed.

“Am I supposed to go into the darkness?” the boy asks.

The bearded man nods again.

“I’m afraid,” the boy says.
“Will you come with me?”

The bearded man finally speaks.
“Only you can go into that darkness.”

He turns back to the fire.

The boy rises, brushing dirt from his clothes.
Tears streak his face.
He is terrified.

He begins to walk—
straight toward the Walker.

Soft cries escape him as he steps beyond the firelight,
blindly entering the dark,
arms outstretched,

hands waving in desperate search. 

The Seeker

Before sight awakens,

you must seek
 the one who is seeking.

Not outward—
 but inward.

Into the quiet beneath thought.
 Into the dark before knowing.
 Into the place
 where names dissolve.

There, in the unlit depths,
 the seeker waits.

When you find the seeker,
 do not speak.
 Do not reach.
 Learn instead
 to see through their eyes.

The seeker sees
 without distance.
 The seeker sees
 through veils and layers.
 The seeker knows
 that what appears
 is a dream wearing light.

When the dream is recognized as dream,
 its spell loosens.

The lies grow thin.
 The light moves in.

And in that light,
 nothing is fought,
 nothing is condemned.

The illusion is not destroyed—
 it is forgiven,
 and washed clean
 with love.

Midnight Fire

I am a midnight fire. 

Ripping through these fields of mine.

Raging like a tornado. 

Across the open skies. 

Raging.

Tearing.

Burning.

If it ain’t the soil beneath my feet.

If it ain’t the true me. 

It must be consumed by this fire. 

Within me.

Raging.

Tearing.

Burning.

There ain't no room for the wicked past. 

There ain’t no room for these doubts.

There ain’t no room for this shame.

There ain’t no room for these lies you have told me.

Raging.

Tearing.

Burning.

There ain’t no room in here.

For anything that ain't the soil, beneath my feet. 

This midnight fire rages with burning heat.

From my journal

From my journal. 

Horrors

I have done and seen truly terrible things. I know the boundlessness of evil. I have seen it with my own eyes. I have met evil with my own evil. I have drank from the dark well and understand I cannot give it back. Only time and death can erase the true horrors of what I have seen and done. Only the dead have seen the end of the evils of this world.

Heads

I hate the people who cut the heads off of other people and leave them on the side of the road for us to see. It was like a good morning gift of what these people would do if they got their hands on me. If these people so freely did this to their own people, what would they do to someone like me? Because of these people I had to turn my morals off. I became ruthless. Everyone was a threat. Men, women, children, boxes, culverts, donkeys, cars, trees, dogs, and buildings. You name it. I have killed it. I am not proud of that. It is what it is, and I must live with that.

Angry Bees

The scream of the rockets passes by and raises the hair of the skin. The guns roar to life spitting their fiery rays towards the sky. The crackle reports and hopes are dashed as the ground bucks and the whump of the explosion deafens the ears. The British artillery fires, but in the wrong direction. “Fuck the British!” Raises from my lungs. “Why the fuck are we here!” Rocket pieces litter the ground, the concrete is pot marked and insulation floats on the breeze. Someone's room has been hit and it seems like giant terrible bees have ripped through the building. Thankfully no one was in there, when it hit.   

Fuck Them

Lights flash, the siren wails, the brass dangles by its string, the truck rocks, the gun is hot. The hits are good, the car burns, no one gets out. We drove by as though I didn't just kill an entire family. “Why the fuck did he do that. “Why the fuck did he ignore us!? He had to have known that was going to happen! Why? God I hate people who don't pay attention! Fuck them!”

4 Inches High

The building burns, someone is alive. It's not possible, the walls are four inches high. The bombs missed the mark and it was raining dirt, tears wet my cheeks. Blood and brains coat the hood of the truck. I watch Rob lying naked breathing his last breath with tears streaming down his face, they said he died instantly but corpses don't breathe and cry. Rob knew what was happening to him. The trucks march forward, the guns turn the house into a nightmare killing field. Cease fire! Comes the cry. They drag a body out of the rubble and he is still alive. “How?!” I exclaim. That wall is four inches high. He complains about his finger as both of his lungs collapse. The trucks are shot to shit. Don lies there dying. Chief packs bag after bag of gauze into Don. “Oh God what the fuck has happened!” The car burns and the pilots can see it for miles. Everything is fucked! Including me.  

Sniper

No sleep, 24 hour shift. I am the only one on watch, life sucks ass. I sit on the roof! Last night was terribly cold. The sun begins to get hot. My body armor is miserable. I haven’t seen a single soul other than trucks passing on the highway in the distance. Snap! Boom! Zing! The bullet sings. Concrete peppers my face. “What the fuck was that! Oh fuck that was a round! Its a fucking sniper trying to kill me!”

Cacophony of Death Music

The phone rings. “The A-10s did what? They smoked one of our checkpoints, what the fuck! Load the trucks and get the Iraqis ready!” Comes the cry. The HESCO barriers are shredded and there is blood everywhere. The Airforce sure did a number on these dudes. The phone rings. Some of the Iraqis we brought got ambushed and some of them are missing. The trucks are in the ditch burned to a crisp. The Iraqis say that some of them were taken alive. Let's see what happens when we get close to that village. Bullets whiz by. It's kind of fun. The rounds are not close. The 50 rocks sending tracers into the distance. Who knows where the rounds hit the village? It is so far away. SNAP! Says a round as it passes close by. Someone who knows what they are doing has shown up. It's time to leave, we can't get any closer to the village because of ditches and we are being baited into a trap and we can smell it. The brass from the guns firing at the village have jammed the turrets and we drive until it gets dark before stopping to get out to unjam them. Rob is on the roof of his truck in front of us working to unjam his turret. Tracers streak through the sky from the right. There are three PKMs firing from close range. “How the fuck did they get there! How did they know where we were going to stop? They must have been following us on motorcycles under nods.” Rob in full body armor and helmet dives off the top of the truck like he is diving into a swimming pool. He must have gone to sleep from the impact. The .50 on my truck opens up. I hear the brass and links ting into and on top of the truck. The smell of gunpowder envelopes me. I stare numbly out the front window and watch tracer after tracer streak directly towards me in slow motion like I am watching a movie. Tracers bounce off the hood of the truck and and dazzlingly smash against the front window of the truck. I am mesmerized by the sight and am brought back by the jarring and crashing of the overwhelming roar of the .50 cal and the screams of Syid who is attempting to crawl underneath his seat creates a cacophony of death music. I begin to feed ammo to the cook who is manning the gun. I had gotten tired and felt that all the fun to be had had been had and allowed our cook on the gun. I am not sure how he has done it. I have handed up a number of cans of ammo and the gun has not stopped. Chief who is in the truck in front of me opens his window facing the enemy fire and opens up with a SAW. I watch as the gun spits fire and sparks. The short barrel doesn't allow for a clean burn of the powder and looks like a poorly made dirty sparkler. I don't know the true body count. But war math says 14 bodies are found the next morning. 

Shame

Shame,

Shame has been with me a long time.

So long it has learned my name.

So long it has learned how I breathe.

At first it spoke quietly,

like concern,

like caution,

like a friend trying to keep me safe.

It taught me to watch myself.

It taught me to watch the world for proof.

It taught me,

To measure my tone.

To calculate my presence.

To move carefully through the world

as if existence were something

I could misuse.

When I had energy, it warned me not to take up too much space.

When I was tired, it told me I was failing.

When I worked, it said I was running.

When I rested, it said I was lazy.

It never raised its voice.

It never had to.

It was always there.

If I took time for myself,

shame called it selfish.

If I didn’t,

shame called it weakness.

If I felt anger,

shame said I was dangerous.

If I was mistreated,

shame said I deserved it.

When I leaned on others,

shame called me a burden.

When I stood alone,

shame called me empty and pathetic.

When people were kind,

shame said they didn’t know me.

When they were cruel,

shame said they finally did.

It followed me into ordinary moments—

into traffic,

into conversations,

into rooms where nothing was wrong—

and made sure I felt wrong anyway.

It judged my kindness.

It judged my refusal.

It judged my generosity.

It judged my boundaries.

It told me there was no correct way to exist.

Alone was wrong.

Together was wrong.

Giving was wrong.

Receiving was wrong.

Shame grew sharper with time.

It stopped commenting

and started sentencing.

You do not belong here.

You never did.

You were a mistake that no one wants.

It said I should be reduced to something smaller than human,

something discardable,

something that wouldn’t be noticed

being thrown away.

It said even that was too much mercy for my worthlessness.

It poisoned death itself,

telling me I should be ashamed

for wanting an end to the pain.

I thought once that 

discipline,

service,

and war

might burn this thing out of me.

I thought if I carried enough weight,

ran far enough and fast enough,

if I did enough violence in the name of duty,

shame would finally be satisfied.

It wasn’t.

It only learned new words.

New images.

New ways to accuse.

And still—

something in me has been watching,

and waiting.

Something in me can say:

This is shame.

Not truth.

Not justice.

Not God.

Shame is loud,

but it is not all-knowing.

It is relentless, it made me relentless,

but it is not right. 

I am still here.

Breathing.

Feeling.

Trying.

Not because I have proven my worth.

Not because I have earned forgiveness.

Not because I have been allowed to live.

But because my existence

does not require permission.

I will no longer be bound by these chains, 

I will no longer live under the thumbs of those who have mistreated me.

If we shall pass as two ships passing in the night so be it. 

Today,

I am enough 

Gratitude

The purpose of me writing this is to tell you what it was like, what happened, and what its like now. I tell my story not to hear myself speak. I am telling my story in the hope it shows someone else how to overcome the insurmountable problems in front of them just like the countless people who have done the exact same thing for me. I am not writing this in an attempt to claim responsibility of authorship for anything written here and anything that belongs or appears to belong to anyone else is indisputably their works and all credit due will be freely given. I say that because if it was left up to me I would not be writing this. I am only writing this by the grace of my higher power, the skin of my teeth, and the giants that have come before me, who cleared this path.  

The greatest gift I have ever received was the gift of desperation. I had tried everyway to implement my will on my life and I was absolutely failing at everything. I was destroying my family, I was destroying my body. My friends were gone, my extended family was gone. I was running across an open plain while the four horsemen of my own apocalypse were riding me down with the intent to annihilate me with brutalistic barbarity. I was allowed to see my future and the only thing that I shown was death watching and waiting. I was facing my own destruction. There was nowhere to go! I could not turn around and hide behind the corner. I had worked my way to Dante's inferno's 9th ring of hell. I was given two choices; stay, or grasp the flimsy reed that was presented to me. I know for a fact that I cannot run my life by myself. I know this because I tried everything within my power to retain any form of control in my life. It wasn't until I had been utterly and savagely beaten into reasonableness was I willing to grasp that flimsy reed. That flimsy reed has proved to be the loving and powerful had of God. I equate my putting my faith into my higher power as jumping out of a perfectly good aircraft with a questionable parachute, packed by who knows. Standing in an an aircraft you have a sense of control, but when those doors open up and the wind crashes in, the light turns green and the jumpmaster says go, you have to give up your control, focus on the things you can control. Like giving the people around you plenty of room because flying a parachute is just like driving a car. I am surrounded by a bunch of people who are scared out of their minds, are not paying attention and probably cant see past their own noses even if they have their eyes open in the first place. Some people can claim to have only jumped night jumps because they had their eyes closed the entire time. 

I am grateful to be an alcoholic, because without the devastating and savage beating I endured that crushed and ground me into a state of reasonableness I would have never found my way into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I have finally given up and handed all of my broken and pulverized pieces over to all of you and my higher power, and by the grace of my higher power those pieces have been slowly put back together piece by piece. Each piece held together with a beautiful strip of gold. I can tell you that I think i am starting to resemble a beautiful flower pot that I along with my friends and family, and my higher power can plant flowers in and we can all watch them bloom. I will never be put completely back together and that makes me smile, because I can continue to add little bits of my destroyed pottery and a little bit of gold to this vessel that I can now store whatever I want in. I am going to take my family to a pottery painting place and try to replicate a Japanese kintsugi flower pot and then I am going to plant some flowers in it. 

God I am grateful! Thank you so much for letting me share this.